Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Sitting in the dark

One of the most clearing moments of my daily existence is sitting on my mattress on the floor with the lights turned of and only a trickle of light passes through the bedroom window. At that moment, at the end of my day, just before tucking in to sleep, with limited vision, my head seems to clear. At that moment, it seems that I can detach from myself and have a deep conversation with my soul. During those moments, I experience profound honesty of being. There are no falsehoods nor pretensions during those moments. I am myself and I can be totally honest. In those moments, things are revealed. I don't know why but it seems to me then that I am allowed a brief glimpse of my inmost being-of who I really am. It is then that I experience barenakedness.

I relish those moments for during those times I can honestly talk to God. Mano a mano. No holds barred. Most of the time really, I cannot speak for I don't know the words to say. I just sit there, not knowing what to say. Now that I think about it, maybe during those times, I am being asked of what I truly want. And I cannot answer. Thirty years of existence and still, that most elusive of questions still remain unanswered. I know those things that I want but not THAT THING, that most precious of jewels that I would sell all my possessions for.

I think I need more of those nights.